Vodka Redbull, anyone?

It may be that I just don't care enough to actually decipher the science behind this whole debacle, but whenever I hear someone talking about the horrible, dangerous, must-be-dealt-with effects of combining alcohol and caffeine and how this poison should be banned, I always want to ask someone how, again, drinking a can of Four Loko is different than drinking an Irish coffee? Jack and Coke? Vodka Redbull? Hell, a double espresso after a couple of glasses of wine with dinner? Chemically, these combinations all put alcohol and caffeine together in your body. Now, if some scientists tell me that drinking alcohol and caffeine together is going to kill me, I'll probably believe them - but only after I get them to explain how the entire Irish civilization hasn't died out, and why nobody's sued Bailey's Irish Cream out of existence yet (come on, that stuff's designed to jack up coffee). Or if they tell me that some chemical combination found specifically in Four Loko is dangerous, that's another can of worms entirely. Ban the hell out of it, in that case.

But the argument that usually surfaces is just that mass over-consumption of caffeinated alcoholic beverages is dangerous and wrong. And there's no denying that binge drinking is stupid and unhealthy. Yes, people get hospitalized after abusing Four Loko - but they also get hospitalized after abusing any kind of alcohol, caffeinated or not. Shutting down drink companies like Four Loko because they happen to be popular among irresponsible high school and college kids seems useless and unproductive in the face of the larger problem: the prevalence of binge drinking in young people. So it's true that some dumbass frat boy isn't going to sit in a quiet bar with his Irish coffee and take his time with his drink - he's going to chug a can or three of Four Loko and be on his way. The context and culture of a caffeinated cocktail and a can of Four Loko are entirely different, and they influence both the consumer base and how it's consumed. But if you take away Four Loko, what's our dumb frat boy going to do? He's going to go back to his old stand-by, vodka Redbull - or he'll just do a few shots of whatever's in the freezer and pop a few caffeine pills, or something stronger. You've banned alcoholic caffeine (caffeinated alcohol?) but you can't ban caffeine, and people have been combining the two for centuries.

If an Irish coffee is to Four Loko what an expensive microbrew is to Coors Light, then the problem comes back around to the party, binge-drinking culture. Drink twelve servings of any of those drinks and you're in trouble.

I have no solution for the binge drinking problem. I have no solution for the horrifying statistics they throw at us (by "us" I mean the targeted "irresponsible dumbass" audience of people ages 15-25) about the consequences of binge drinking. I do have insights into the party culture, but that's another post. My point is that if caffeine and alcohol are safe to combine in measured, responsible amounts - just like alcohol and caffeine can be safely consumed separately, up to a point - we seem to be vilifying the wrong player here. Four Loko is involved in the problem, no doubt about that - but are they the cause? No, because people always have and always will combine alcohol and caffeine. They've made it easier and more convenient to get, but to me that just seems like good business. Is banning the drink the solution? No, see previous response. They're undoubtedly involved, because Four Loko is apparently the party version of an Irish coffee - but in general, this whole fiasco seems so short-sighted and silly to me. Fix the greater problem and the smaller one goes away too, and companies like Four Loko get to stay in business.

Now, who wants a drink?

Disclaimer: I have never drunk or purchased Four Loko, nor even been in an establishment where it was sold or served. To be honest I'm a little mystified by the whole thing - why buy caffeinated alcohol when you can make it yourself, to your own tastes? And as I said, the science escapes me. Maybe the combination specifically in Four Loko is bad. So at the end of the day, caffeine is a drug. Alcohol is a drug. Use them responsibly or don't use them at all.